White Sheets
by morpolpunk
Summary: Third in my Ice at the Train Station Series. Read them all! Song fic to Only One by Yellowcard. There is implied slash but nothing graphic. RonDraco


**Disclaimer-** I do not own the characters in this story, they belong to JK Rowling. I do not own the lyrics to the song. They belong to Yellowcard.

**AN#1- **This is the third installment in my Ice at the Train Station series. Although it might stand alone, it's better if you read the first two, Ice at the Train Station and Staring at my shoes, if you haven't already. Also, the final two installments, Wrong Without You, and Of Coffee and Conquests, are also done. Check my profile for them all. And a huge thanks to all the reviewers!

_Broken this fragile thing now  
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces  
_

I'm watching you lying there. You haven't opened your eyes for three days. I should know. I've been sitting here waiting for you. You are so pale, lying against the white sheet; even the freckles that run across your nose aren't the right shade. But you're still beautiful. I've memorized every feature. Your long freckled nose, your soft but strong lips, your eyebrows that arch just enough to give you a slightly surprised expression. I catch myself running my fingers over your temple into the hair over your ears. You are so soft. I have a hard time not touching you. I love just running my hand up your arm. Just to have the touch. I've been holding your hand off and on. I stop when I realize what I'm doing. It's funny, I can't leave your side for a minute but I'm in denial over wanting to hold your hand. But I just tell myself that you've been through so much you need someone there to hold you. So that's what I do.

_And I've thrown my words all around  
But I can't, I can't give you a reason_

So much has changed in so short a period of time. Only months after we left school, the war took a significant turn for the worse. Well, for us anyway. Things were going quite well for your side. Members of our ranks were being killed, we were being captured one after another; no one knew how the information was getting out. No one but me, that is. I was far too clever for any of them to catch me. Even my father had no clue in the end.

_I feel so broken up  
And I give up  
I just want to tell you so you know_

Voldemort is gone, of course. Destroyed, Potter saw to that much. But I'm not concerned with any of that. I wish Saint Potter had kept a better eye on you. A bloody hero for the whole world but he can't even keep his best friend out of St. Mungo's. Granted he's not in much better condition. I guess I should be grateful that he's not waking up either because then your family would focus all their attention on you. And then where would I be? I can't really complain though. I've been rewarded for my part in the war, relieved of the disgrace that comes with my name. Forgiven for my parent's transgression. To tell the truth I hadn't expected that much, but I'm grateful for it.

_Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you  
You are my only one_

You should have seen me when I first heard. I was so panicked I ran almost a whole mile before remembering I could apparate. I was in shambles until I got here. I hardly spoke a coherent word until they told me you'd be all right and led me to your bed. I'll have to tell you again when you can actually hear me. I can almost hear you laughing about it already. I can honestly say I never thought I would be so concerned for the welfare of another. It's kind of nice to think about someone other than myself.

_I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do  
You are my only, my only one_

I've been thinking about you a lot the last couple of days. Well, what else am I supposed to do when you're not talking back? I just wanted you to know that there has always been guilt. As soon as the words had come out of my mouth I wished I could take them back. I wish I hadn't had to say them. But I knew better. There was no chance for us with our world as it was. Us. I'm not even sure if I deserve to ask if there will ever be an Us. On this side of the war, the things I did then seem so inhuman. So cruel. It's a testament to how much you've changed me that I can see that now. I'm amazed you were ever able to forgive me. But it seems you understood me better than I could have anticipated.

_Made my mistakes, let you down  
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long_

You told me everything would be all right. You told me you'd be waiting for me. It was hard to concentrate on your words with your warm breath sweeping past my ear. But I heard you. Those two sentences have filled me with more hope than I ever thought I had the capacity for.

_Ran my whole life in the ground  
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone  
_

But I have yet to forgive myself. I saw the pain I put you through. I watched something die inside you. I will never be able to redeem myself from what I've done. You were my one chance for happiness and I threw it away. I've tried to justify it, knowing I'm lying to myself. I was nothing more than a spineless coward. I might tell myself that I frightened you off for your own good, but I just didn't have the courage to take the risk. I know that now. What I always saw as a thirst for heroics and blind stupidity, I now see as bravery and loyalty. There's a part of me that wishes I possessed those qualities. In that world, I would be worthy of you.

_And something's breaking up  
I feel like giving up  
I won't walk out until you know  
_

I've relived our perfect hour, over and over everyday since it happened. I think those memories have been what keeps me going. The smile I put on your face keeps me warm when I feel that there's no hope. It's amazing how that simple moment has carried me through the pain. I think that's what brought me back here. The half hope that I won't have to rely solely on that one smile. That maybe there will be more.

_Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you  
You are my only one_

I'm torn between those two emotions. Hope and Guilt. It's a battle raging between my head and my heart. I can feel the power swaying between the two. I've been waiting for the final conflict as I sit here waiting for you to wake. I've been trying to decide what I'm going to do. Should I continue to sit beside you, holding your hand, begging you to forgive and to take me now that there is no risk? Or should I accept the consequences of my actions and leave you to get on with a better life? I've never done a selfless thing in my life. That is the reason I do not deserve any part of you.

_I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do  
You are my only, my only one_

I've read these words over and over. Even recited them to you. It's sad that now I confess so much to you when you can't hear me. So I'm leaving this for you. So you will know why. I've known all along that I am leaving. I could never have a happy life with you, knowing what I've done. The guilt is just too much. I don't know why I have stayed so long. Being selfish again. I guess I just wanted to be with you for whatever little time I had. But I want you to know the truth.

_Here I go so dishonestly  
Leave a note for you my only one  
And I know you can see right through me  
So let me go and you will find someone_

So here it is, nice and condensed. I've always wanted you. You were right. I still do. I know you could make me happy. You could make me a better person. You could change my life into something extraordinary. But you are too good for me. I cannot bring any good thing into your life. I would be living as a parasite, leaching all of the goodness out of you. I'm sorry but I can't let you live like that. I know there is someone that will bring out the best in you, like you do for me. And I have to let you find them.

_Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you  
You are my only one_

_I let go, there's just no one, no one like you  
You are my only, my only one_

_I roll the parchment and set it on the table next to your bed. It's crinkled from holding it in my hand. I can feel the tears start to well in my eyes. I'm so used to you being there, after all these hours. But now I'll have new memories, and that should be enough. I slip my hand around yours and squeeze slightly. I see your eyes move under your eyelids. It looks like you will wake soon. I have stayed too long. I let go of your hand and without looking back; I turn and walk out the door. I'm not sure what I am going to do now. So many things have changed. I have changed. I am no longer a solid glacial mass. I feel like a warm ocean current, following a path, unsure of where I am going. Memories of you have kept me warm when I felt my heart start to ice over. I don't want to go back to what I was. This world of feeling is worth it, even though I have to endure the pain. I will live in this world now, even without you. But I know, truly...you are my only one._

_  
My only one  
My only one  
You are my only, my only one_

**A/N-** Hopefully it's understandable that everything not in italics turns out to be a letter. That's a pretty important concept, really, so I hope I got that across. I know there's nothing physical in this one but I'm pretty sure that non-con, unconscious sex would not really belong in this story. I promise I'll make up for it before the end. Anyway, I hope you liked it!


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